


The Republic: A Chronicle of the Coronavirus

by eowobble



Category: Political RPF, Political RPF - US 21st c., The West Wing
Genre: American Politics, Political Humor, Political Satire, Politics, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-02-23 00:55:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23736484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eowobble/pseuds/eowobble
Summary: In the spirit of Borowitz, Buckley, and Sorkin, I was inspired to write a take onThe West Wingthat's influenced by the current Trump administration and how it's been handling the COVID-19 Global Pandemic.  Imagine Jed Bartlet…. but as Trump.  Started during the great Coronavirus Quarantine of 2020, I've been stuck in my apartment like everyone else with nothing but time on my hands, re-watching  countless clips ofThe West Wingon YouTube, which is tied as my #1 favorite TV show of all time (the other beingCommunity).  Anyway, I'm not a writer at all but this was fun.  All feedback welcome!~~~Brief excerpt:It was as undeniable as it was indisputable: Man doesn't choose his destiny.Destiny chooses the man.Donald J. Trump, Mensa-level septuagenarian, was destined for this singular moment in American history.Only he, and he alone, could deliver the nation to salvation in its darkest hour.Trump threw open the French doors of the Roosevelt Room like Columbus stepping off the Santa Maria."Alright, people. Answers. What do you got for me?"
Kudos: 7





	1. A Very Stable Genius

**Chapter One**

[_Socratic_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3jBg9OaQIk) [_Wonder_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3sj-TSbWjs) _~ Surrounded ~ The GOAT ~ Of Destiny and Men ~ Houses & Titles ~ Mr. Market ~ Objective Reality ~ Showtime_

~~~

**James S. Brady Press Briefing Room**

**White House, Washington DC**

**March 23, 2020**

Donald J. Trump --45th President of the United States and the greatest, smartest man who ever lived-- was confused. He had called on the young brunette reporter (whom he'd always assigned to sit up front) in the press room because she had high cheekbones, flawless skin, and appeared Eastern European. But now she was asking him a question, one he was having trouble wrapping his tremendous and immense intellect around.

"Mr. President," Ellen Pool of MSNBC repeated, "has your administration been only dispensing the national stockpile of ventilators to governors of Republican states? How do you respond to these allegations?"

Trump stared, his incredibly intelligent face befuddled. "Is that a problem?" he asked, incredulous he was being asked such a moronic question.

A flurry of photographer bulbs flashed. The White House correspondents exchanged glances, weary.

"Well," Pool continued, resigned, "some would say such discriminatory distribution is unamerican and maybe even… illegal? Amidst a national crisis with thousands of Americans dying every day..."

Trump waved his hands dismissively. "Look, Ellen. There's only so many to go around. And some of those states have been honestly very mean to me. Like, very mean. I mean, they never even voted for me, see? Of course, I love all my citizens-- they're all my children. And like any parent will tell you with children-- some are first among equals, right? Those who like me, who vote for me-- they get help first. Those that don't, well, they get help… eventually. Next question. Bill from Fake News CNN? What you got?"

Bill Wall of CNN grimaced. _Are we living in a tragedy?_ _No._ _Surely, this must be a comedy. Maybe a tragicomedy?_

"Uh, Mr. President, Sir," said Wall, "there are reports that you'll block the next stimulus bill that Congress is currently working to pass, if there's a provision to allow Americans to vote by mail. Is this true?"

Trump stared at Bill Wall of Fake News CNN like the idiot Bill was. God, it was exhausting having to explain to these morons all the time.

"Bill, you're a smart guy, right? Or at least of average smartness? So, here, I'll draw it in crayon, just for you-- if it's too easy to vote, then all the poor people --most of whom, democrats (not on my team in case you somehow missed that)-- well, they would vote! [It would be the end of Republican rule in this country!](https://www.esquire.com/news-politics/a32079704/trump-vote-by-mail-corruption-republicans) Jesus, why are you so thick?" Trump shook his head. "Imbeciles, the whole lot of you."

\---

After the presser, Trump was relieved to finally extricate himself from the briefing mess. The reporters were all savages. Out to discredit him at every turn! Couldn't those simpletons see that he was trying to _calm_ the country? So what if facts were a _tad_ varnished? Facts, smacts. You think 70-year-old Aunt Dolores holed up in her attic in Palm Springs with the front door barricaded is looking for _facts_? Good lord. People want to be _comforted_ in times of crisis! People were dropping dead all over with hospitals filling past capacity. There was no point in further sowing fear among the masses. Trump grimaced to himself; Lord knew they needed the sheeple now more than ever-- who else would be working the gas pumps and drive-through windows?

From the Press Briefing room, he made his way to the Roosevelt Room where Steve, JP, Tony, and Larry would already be waiting for him. As he walked the hallowed halls of the White House, Trump couldn't help but feel his own chest swell with pride. From his expert knowledge of history, he knew that exactly 220 years ago, Thomas Jefferson walked through this very same hall-- _Thomas Jefferson!_ Even now, three years in, there was a part of him that still couldn't believe he'd pulled it off. Vanquished senators, governors, and, hell, even a Secretary of State. Though he certainly took a certain smug satisfaction at having defeated Hilary, she was most definitely, unequivocally, the most arrogant and transparently condescending sob (dob?) he'd ever met. Well, he'd certainly showed all the nonbelievers and naysayers! Ha! Because his mind was a steel trap with photographic memory, the words of Gandhi (a genuine GOAT if there ever were one, Trump had to admit) floated through his brain:

It was as undeniable as it was indisputable: _Man doesn't choose his destiny._ _Destiny chooses the man._ Donald J. Trump, Mensa-level septuagenarian, was _destined_ for this singular moment in American history.

Only he, and he alone, could deliver the nation to salvation in its darkest hour.

Trump threw open the French doors of the Roosevelt Room like Columbus stepping off the Santa Maria.

"Alright, people. Answers. What do you got for me?"

In his 79th year, and being the only person in the room older than the President, Anthony Fauci turned his chair. He'd meticulously prepared a series of color-coded binders and a comprehensive 17-point plan for America's recovery from COVID-19. Having served for over 50 years in public health, and [every president since Ronald Reagan](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anthony_Fauci), Fauci was largely considered to be the foremost authority in the world on infectious diseases.

"Sir," Fauci began, "we've been reviewing hospital cases from New York, Seattle, and Chicago. And we believe that the infection rate--"

"Yeah, fuck that," interrupted Trump, waving his hand. "What I really care about is the stock market. Steve? You're up."

"Right," Steve Mnuchin stood from behind the mahogany conference table to address the room. A former 17-year veteran of Goldman Sachs and its one-time CIO, Mnuchin held the sole distinction in the room to be the only man who'd been married as many times as Trump (thrice).

"So Jay and I have been pouring over the books all night," said Mnuchin, "and we think we've figured it out."

"That's good," said Trump. "Because you're essentially fired if you haven't." Trump held up a copy of that morning's _USA Today:_ _**"**_[ _ **All Dow Gains Since Trump's Inaugural Wiped Out.**_](https://www.cnbc.com/2020/03/23/dow-loses-all-gains-since-trumps-election-down-nearly-40percent.html) _ **"**_ blared the headline.

Mnuchin wiped his brow. "Right, Sir. Well, we're pretty sure Jay and I here can essentially just print _infinite money_ to solve the problem."

Trump raised an eyebrow. "Unless you know something that I don't, money cures the disease?"

"Well, no, of course not," interjected Powell. "But you asked about the markets. And the virus isn't what's causing the Dow to tank. Frankly, tens of thousands of people die a day from car accidents, the flu, gun violence, and that never stirs the pot. Markets don't care about people dying. We could be seeing Pol Pot death march numbers right now and markets wouldn't bat an eyelash."

Trump furrowed his brow in deep contemplation, his cognitive genius-level gears spinning away. The room waited.

"Okay, yeah," he finally said. "That makes total sense. So what next then?" Trump held up again the _USA Today_ \-- "How do we fix _this_?"

Jerome Powell, the man who would go down in history as [the face who launched a thousand memes](https://brrr.money/), pushed his black-framed glassed up from his nose. " _ **Certainty**_ , Sir. _Certainty_ is what will save these markets. If you give a firm roadmap of what'll happen in the next three quarters, it won't matter what unemployment, death tolls, or business closures are. The Dow's already lost nearly 40% of its value--- everyone's essentially already priced in economic Armageddon because, they rightfully so, didn't know what was coming. So all we need to do now is meet or exceed expectations every week, and you'll get your rocket ride."

Mnuchin chimed in. "President, Sir, with all due respect, you've gotta listen to me on this. In my storied career, I've worked with Nobel Laureates, rocket scientists, and world-renown economists. My father worked on Wall Street and his father before that, for the House of Mnuchin hails from a long lineage of Lords of High Finance. So let me save you time and simply summarize how modern markets work:

  * **Phase 1:** A game of musical chairs where stocks go ever higher.

  * **Phase 2:** Some kinda catalyst brings everything crashing down. Sometimes, not even that serious. But something needs to conveniently appear plausible that can be retconned into the timeline. Then repeat phase 1.




Trump frowned. "So musical chairs, music stops, crash, and then musical chairs again?"

"Essentially, yes," said Powell. "That's what they taught us at Georgetown too."

Mnuchin continued, "Mr. Market basically craves a narrative; it needs a _story_. And the story needs to be _just_ plausible enough to make it _seem_ like it's based in some modicum of reality. But really, the price action's already all written beforehand. It's just a matter of weaving some Michael Bay-level storytelling to lacquer on veneer. If we find a way to give some Potemkin semblance of reality, we've got this in the bag."

Trump nodded slowly, "Yes, yes, I see… continue…"

Fauci, who'd been listening to the entire conversation with ever-increasing disbelief, appeared completely baffled. There was now enough suspension of disbelief in his mighty medical brain to hold up the Brooklyn Bridge. The sheer utter insanity overwhelmed his poor 79-year old brain and a synaptic circuit breaker jumped somewhere. Fauci exploded to his feet, able to contain himself no longer.

 _"But what about data?"_ implored Fauci, clasping his hands, his eyes wide and pleading. "What about _science_? How can you make a roadmap when we don't even _know_ anything yet?"

Mnuchin glanced over at the 79-year old doctor with a look that almost approached the outer limits of some mix between empathy and pity. Since he'd been immersed in finance and politics his entire life, Mnuchin sometimes forgot that he --Steven Terner Mnuchin, Second of his Name, Savior of Capitalism for the Poor and Socialism for the Rich-- was indeed privileged and so very fortunate. There were endless other hardworking folk, like Dr. Fauci, out in the world who simply never knew, and would never know, the objective reality of how the world worked. It was sad, but necessary, or course. The one-percent was, by definition, the one-percent for good reason. If everyone knew what the one-percent knew, then there would be no one-percent.

"My good doctor," said Mnuchin gently, "you should most certainly proceed with your fact findings. But put simply-- whatever inconvenient information you may discover, we will simply shrug off as 'priced in'-- and then whatever other catalysts we require to dictate price action, we shall cherry-pick to advantage our agenda. We shall shape the perception to create the reality."

"So our challenge now," said Powell, "is to provide that roadmap. We need to give ankle-height expectations that we can then meet or slightly exceed. This is the way."

"So, it's all just one big show?" said Trump, looking thoughtful. "One big farce?"

"Just one giant circus searching for a Ringmaster, Sir," said Mnuchin solemnly.

And at that very moment, [the dark grey clouds which had hung over DC the entire morning and afternoon parted](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/EmpathicEnvironment)\-- a great white light shone down from the heavens, flooding the Roosevelt Room with brightness and warmth. It was right then and there that Trump suddenly knew with absolute clarity his purpose in life; why he of all people, was put on this little blue planet at this exact, precise moment in time.

For the first time in weeks, Trump grinned ear to ear. It was showtime.


	2. Drone Shot of my Yacht

**Chapter Two**

[ _John Mayer is Great_ ](https://www.instagram.com/p/B-YGR-UFH_M) _~ The Advent Storm_

Across the nation, the body count total from Coronavirus deaths began to pile on. In February and March, Americans in both urban and rural areas were first caught off guard. Overnight, the entire restaurant, hotelier, travel, and services shut down. The country in its 254 years had never seen anything like it. Not even during the depths of the Great Financial Crisis of 08/09, or in the aftermath after 9/11, had entire modern economies of advanced democracies the world over all shut down in near-unison. People who were happily employed and making good money, solidly on their way to achieving the American dream of a house, two car-garage, and white picket fence found their entire lives upended overnight. The economic devastation spread far and wide, sparing no one.

[Well, almost no one.](https://www.businessinsider.com/david-geffen-deletes-instagram-after-self-isolating-yacht-post-2020-3)

Against the sparkling blue backdrop of the Caribbean sea, rock music blared from the 452 meter stern of David Geffen's superyacht, [_The Rising Sun_](https://www.clubyacht.net/yachts-and-owners/david-geffens-yacht-rising-sun/) _._ The boat itself was magnificent, a testament to every single thing wrong with western civilization. The majestic white ebony hull against the glimmering ocean blue. While hundreds of thousands perished around the world, a universe away, Geffen had stolen away in the dead of night with his crew onboard his Learjet and made a beeline for the safe haven of the Grenadines. En route, the jet made sure to stop in Barranquilla, Colombia in order to pick up kegs of liquor and palettes of Bogota's finest.

In the broad glaring light of day on a rural runway in the Central American hamlet of Maizal on the outskirts of Barranquilla, David Geffen's 337 million dollar Learjet swooped in from the sky. A poor fisherman's outpost with virtually no economy to speak of, Maizal's population was a paltry 78. Malnourished children filled the streets. Maizal's sole claim to fame-- the only reason anyone paid it any heed at all, was its small airstrip that serviced foreigners every November when they flew in from their industrialized, first-world countries.

After forty-three minutes, Geffen's Learjet finished refueling and its resupply of liquor and exotic snacks. Geffen looked out of his jet window at the last dying rays of Colombian light. Against the water's glint, it was always beautiful; a sight he never tired of. Outside the rusted chain link fence, children flocked, their ribcages plain visible on their skeleton thin frames.

"They'll vilify us, you know," said Geffen, as he sipped his Chardonnay and leaned back in his striped leather seat. "As we sweep away to the Grenadines, while tens of thousands die and millions lose their jobs."

Sam shook his head. "We didn't create the system, we just live in it. Besides, we've already paid our fair share! _Half_ of American taxes are paid by the top 10%. Save your conscience for the whales-- we're already doing our part. [_Qu’ils mangent de la brioche_](https://www.history.com/news/did-marie-antoinette-really-say-let-them-eat-cake), etc."

Geffen could only shake his head. [He was 77 years old and worth eight billion dollars.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Geffen) In his storied career, he'd founded DreamWorks SKG with Spielberg, given the world _Shrek_ , and sat next to President Clinton in the Lincoln Center (where the David Geffen Hall bored his very namesake).

You don't get to enter your eighth decade on this little blue planet and accumulate eight billion dollars without having seen some shit.

Still, Geffen couldn't shake the overwhelming sense of discomfort and dread that filled him. He wasn't around back then, but some part of him intuitively felt that this must have been what 1789 felt like.

A storm was coming.


End file.
